It’s possible that they are projecting their own issues onto you, so don’t let their criticism get to you. You feel good about yourself, you’re in good shape, and you accept yourself as you are. It’s important to tune out any negative comments they may make.
As a 30-year-old single professional woman with an exciting life, I’ve noticed that I’ve started gaining weight a few years ago, despite maintaining the same diet and exercise routine. This weight gain greatly upset my parents, who conducted an angry “intervention” where they warned me of the risk of diabetes and other serious health issues if I didn’t lose weight.
As a scientist like my father, I’ve looked into medical literature and found that my waist-to-height and waist-to-hips ratios are within the “OK” zone, which are considered the best predictors of health risks. My doctor also isn’t concerned. However, my father still doesn’t accept this. I exercise regularly and feel fit, and although I was quite thin when younger, my mother always implied that I should be uncomfortable with my body due to my curvy figure. I’ve inherited her tendency for body shame and weight obsession, but interestingly, since gaining weight, I’ve shed a lot of this shame. After working through my psychological issues, I feel attractive and accepting of myself.
Visiting my parents fills me with dread, and I used to put myself on an extreme diet for two weeks before each trip home, but I have stopped this now. Although my father claims he doesn’t intend to shame me, he tends to medicalize things to avoid dealing with the emotions involved. Despite their recent generous behavior that convinced me they value me, I still can’t shake off the feeling that they are ashamed of my body. Perhaps they are projecting their own issues onto me, but their attitude makes me want to hide from them to avoid revealing my body. I’m not sure if I should approach this as a health issue, a relationship issue, or both.
I’m sure your parents value you, but like many parents of their generation, they may have forgotten to express it. It seems that there were pre-existing issues in your relationship with them, but your weight gain has given them a tangible focus. Criticism can be a means of control, and it’s noteworthy that your mother also seems to have a weight/body fixation that she has imposed on you. However, it’s possible that she perceives you as distancing yourself from her since your weight gain and subsequent loss of shame, and is attempting to bring you back into her sphere of influence.
Psychoanalyst Prof Alessandra Lemma and I concur that your letter reveals remarkable insight into the intricacies of your situation. Lemma stated that “from the outset, we internalize other people’s projections onto our bodies, which is how we begin to feel unattractive.” These projections may come from those close to us, as well as from society in general. She added that “people with eating disorders, like your mother, tend to hyper-focus on other people’s eating habits.”
Lemma explained to me that when we define ourselves physically based on others’ opinions, such as “I’m too big,” changing those things may provide temporary relief, but the shame remains ingrained in our body. Our developmental history cannot be erased, according to Lemma. It’s interesting that you lost shame after putting on weight. Was it because you were finally doing what you wanted, or did it feel liberating not to conform to others’ ideals? Was it, in a way, an act of rebellion against your mother?
It seems that you don’t consider this to be a health problem, but even though you’re a scientist and have consulted both the medical literature and your doctor, you still doubt yourself because your parents’ opinion holds great sway over you.
Take the time to focus on your own desires and goals for your body, which may require you to unlearn past expectations, criticisms, and influences. Similar to your experience, the writer also grew up with body shame and weight obsession projected onto her, but now she defines her ideal as “strong, fit, healthy” rather than conforming to others’ desires. The psychoanalyst suggested that you imagine a world where your parents’ gaze is not present and reflect on how you feel in that scenario.
