My almost eight-year-old son wants to sleep with me in my bed once or twice a week as our special time, and this has been going on for about six months. Although we used to do it occasionally, I’m not sure if this is just a phase or a more persistent desire. My six-year-old daughter doesn’t ask for the same.
As the older child, my son may miss the one-on-one time we had before my daughter was born, and I feel like I didn’t give him enough attention when he was a baby due to a lack of support from family and a less helpful husband. I wonder if I can make up for that now, but I’m not sure if that’s what my son really needs or if there’s something else going on. I have noticed that he requests this more often when he’s been told off, which could be his way of seeking reconnection with me.
Rejecting your son’s request may feel like rejection, but it’s important to prioritize your own needs and boundaries as well. It’s understandable that you want to make sure everyone is happy, but trying to please everyone can lead to exhaustion. Additionally, it seems like you are carrying a lot of guilt, which can undermine your confidence as a parent.
It’s not uncommon for children to want to sleep with a parent if they are feeling scared or insecure. As a parent, it’s important to attend to your child’s emotional needs both day and night. However, it’s also okay to say no if you feel that your own needs or boundaries are being compromised. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what works best for your family, but don’t let guilt or fear of upsetting others guide your decisions.
The word “confident” is key here. If your child senses your uncertainty, he may perceive that you require comfort and reassurance, rather than the other way around. I recall an instance where a boy wished to sleep with his mother following a burglary, but upon further inquiry, it turned out that the boy believed his mother required protection rather than the other way around. As parents, it is our responsibility to be the support for our children; we need to be resilient when they are not. Be certain that your son is not being used as a means to heal something within yourself. That is not his responsibility.
I consulted with Deirdre Ingham, an ACP registered child and adolescent psychotherapist, regarding your letter. She found your letter thoughtful and suggested that it is helpful to consider our own role in such situations and whether an unconscious wish to repair the past might be contributing to the dilemma. Ingham also noticed that your husband has been lax, which must have been difficult for you. She recommended trying to form a united front with your husband in this situation. In addition, Ingham suggested that you check if anything else is going on for your son, perhaps at school.
One potential solution could be to provide a little bed for your son in your room for a while. It is important to note that there is nothing inherently wrong with allowing your child to sleep with you, as some cultures practice family co-sleeping. However, it is not helpful for you to become stressed because you feel obligated to do so. As someone once said to me, a mother who is always available is never truly available. A good mother must also care for herself and invest in her own well-being.
While it’s true that your son had to learn to share your attention with his sister when she was born, it’s also important to remember that he gained a sibling, which can be a valuable life lesson in learning to share.
My top advice for parents is to ensure they get enough sleep, in whatever way works best for them, and to avoid turning bedtime into a battleground, as sleep is essential for healthy functioning. Remember, all children eventually grow out of wanting to sleep with their parents, so this situation is likely temporary.
